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From: snapper
Posted: 5 February 2010
How fights start
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I got you last year!"
And that's how the fight started..


I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's how the fight started..


My wife and I are watching, 'Who wants to be a millionaire' while were
in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
Then I said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "yes".
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's how the fight started..


I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's how the fight started..


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's how the fight started..

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And that's how the fight started..

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3
seconds."
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and
she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at
a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long."
And that's how the fight started.

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get sooooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.he was a DWARF!!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I'M NOT
HAPPY!"
So, I looked sown at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And that's how the fight started..


When our lawnmower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf always seemed more
important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived
home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away
with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time
and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came
out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting
the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.



They made me smile..





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From: lambay
Posted: 6 February 2010
How fights start
Hilarious! love the one about the scales :)
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From: Sydney
Posted: 7 February 2010
How fights start
LOL - nice one!
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From: bluesky
Posted: 7 February 2010
How fights start
excellent
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From: cvb
Posted: 8 February 2010
How fights start
Just after reading your jokes. Thanks for cheering up my monday
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From: green
Posted: 9 February 2010
How fights start
Excellent. Well done snapper.
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From: snapper
Posted: 9 February 2010
How fights start
Glad yous liked them heres a few more enjoy "S"



After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.


When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...



A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....



Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...

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From: snapper
Posted: 9 February 2010
How fights start
A young woman in Galway was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Atlantic Ocean . She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said,
'Look, you have so much to live for.
I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.' Moving

closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.' The girl nodded Yes, After all, what did she have to lose?
Perhaps a Fresh start in America would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
>From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a
piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by The captain.
'What are you doing here?' the captain asked.
'I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,' she explained.
'I get food and a trip to America , and he's screwing me.' 'He certainly is,' the captain replied. This is the Aran Islands Ferry.'
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From: Harry Byrne
Posted: 9 February 2010
How fights start
Snapper we should have you on stage at the next Waterside comedy night. Great stuff.
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